Use your words. Fuck. Not those ones.

Break ups are shitty. No question. Don’t make them shittier by spinning these yarns to people:

1. “I don’t want to hurt you/your feelings”. Please. Spare me. Did you think this was going to boost my emotional wellbeing? This is called a break up not a fucking frolic through the daisies.

2. “It’s not you, it’s me”. It’s you. It’s always you.

3. “I think you’re amazing, but…”. Please tell me what is so awful about me that it cancels out the ‘amazing’.

4. “I just don’t know what I want”. Hm. Interesting that you seem remarkably in tune with what you don’t want.

5. “I hope we can still be friends”. Ok. Two possible reasons why this is a shitbag line. Either, we were not friends before we were sleeping together, in which case there is no way we will be friends when we’re not anymore. That was probably the main attraction. Or, we were friends before, in which case, every time I speak to you from now on all I will be able to think of is how you like to be spanked and called ‘Daddy’, in which case, let’s just give each other some space, yeah?

I realize that sometimes the brutal truth just isn’t going to cut it, but I really do think I’d rather hear “I’m just not really feeling it”, than “I just need some time to figure things out”. I can spot a euphemism bro, and it just makes me want to knee you in the jingleberries.

Just a side note: If you think that any of these things should ever be said in a text message, well, advice is probably lost on you to begin with.

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