If you like coffee, you’ll hate this…

Having worked making coffee for the last three years or so, there are some things I feel people should know when they order. Not because I am particularly passionate about coffee (those people are weirdos), but because in the last three years, it has become apparent that most people have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Especially the ones who think they do.

– If you’re a trim milk drinker, fuck that. 70% of the time, shit ain’t trim.

– If you ask for half strength/decaf/soy milk with your coffee, you may as well get orange juice because that other shit is not coffee either.

– Don’t stand there and watch me make your drink. It doesn’t get it made any faster. What it does make is me want to punch you in the face.

– No one, repeat NO ONE, needs a bowl-size coffee. ‘But I need more coffee!’ I hear you cry. No no no. What you are really doing is drowning yourself in lactose.

– When I give you your drink, and you ever feel tempted to ask me if there is sugar in it, just think back to two minutes ago when you ordered it. Did you ask for sugar then? No? NO? Then no, there is probably no fucking sugar in your drink.

– There is NO SUCH THING as a muggachino, a cuppuchino or a baby chino. ‘Chino’ is not some weird code word for coffee. It doesn’t have anything remotely to do with coffee. So unless I’m wearing chinos while I make your drink, shut the hell up.

Honestly. Go to bed an hour earlier or something. Or just order a long black and get out.

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