Please stop confusing sex with inanimate objects. Thanks.

I was recently propositioned with use of the word ‘hoon’. Now, I don’t know about you, but ‘hoon’ is a verb that should only be used in reference to cars, and even then, usage is not advised if you have an age or an IQ above 16. Also, don’t ever send me shit like that in a text message, because by the time I have stopped laughing and wondering whether your mother dropped you on your head, the ‘moment’ you thought you were creating will have passed, and the cold hard reality that you are going home alone will hit you like a sack of shit.

There are few words that are acceptable synonyms to use when talking about sex, and while I have not carried out extensive market research on this subject, I feel many other women would agree that they do not want to be boned, banged, rooted, bonked, nailed, screwed or pounded (why the FUCK does it sound like I’m building a house right now?) (I actually just googled ‘sex euphemisms’ – I feel ill). I won’t compile a list of appropriate terms, but just know that if I did, ‘hoon’ would not be on it. Nor would ‘ram’, ‘slam’, or anything similar. Just as I am not a construction site, I am not a car, and if this comes as a shock, look forward to having a hoon on yourself until you figure shit out.

I’m also really fucking sorry I used the term ‘propositioned’ up there.

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