As my third year of university comes to a close, I feel it would be prudent to share some of the ‘wisdom’ I have gathered along the way.
1. Handing things in on time, taking notes in lectures, buying set texts – all overrated. Without doing these things, you can be like me and maintain a grade average that, in future years, people will say is well below your potential.
2. Take a gap year or two, and begin ‘studying’ when you are 20. This way, everyone in your classes will be just slightly younger on the age scale, but off the fucking record on the ‘if you keep up such incessant douchery I will throw you down this majestic tiered seating’ scale.
3. Don’t try to read your tutor’s comments on assignments. The more important their comments are, the less legible they will be. As long as you can read the grade, and it doesn’t say ’D’, they’re irrelevant anyway.
4. If you ever think you have an original thought while at university, you’re wrong. Chances are, someone thought of that already, and wrote it somewhere, more eloquently than you ever could. So just find that, and quote the shit out of it. But remember to reference, or rabid goats will eat your firstborn.
5. Get drunk. All the time. If you’re the type who needs an explanation for this, you’re in the wrong place and I’m sorry there are students like me wasting your time. But not that sorry because I’m too busy being drunk.
6. As I write this, I am supposed to be doing an assignment. So the lesson there is, sort your priorities out. If you are able to write an essay in three hours, do it. Don’t waste precious time that could be spent making bad (read: excellent) decisions.
Luckily, I don’t intend on passing with anything above a B average. I have another year to go, and when I graduate I will do so with my dignity in shreds, my academic credibility nonexistent, job prospects low, and my liver in need of replacing. I don’t know where the fuck my moral compass is.
University: I don’t know where the years went, and they haven’t been particularly kind, but thanks for the disillusionment. ‘Real Life’ is sure to be a winner.