Married at First Sight, aka the black hole that sucks up my nights.

If you’re not watching Married at First Sight Australia at the moment, what are you even doing with your life on a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night? (Probably a fucking lot, actually…) This is the last week. Questions will be answered. Who will stay together? Has Davina developed a conscience? Does Dean even know what feminism means? Will Troy’s laugh get its own spin-off show? All will be revealed. Here is my stream of consciousness while I watch the final ceremonies (if you’re behind at all, I wouldn’t read on…unless you don’t mind spoilers, in which case, knock yourself out).

Tracey and Dean

Dean is like ‘so traditional’, and like, so likes a man to be a man, and for a woman to stay home and pop out babies. He makes jokes about other men sleeping with Tracey, doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with making plans to hook up with another woman behind her back, but is also like, suuuuch a feminist you know? He’s also a 34 year old white man who thinks he is a rapper called Visionz, so. That tells you all you need to know about him. He ends his speech at the final ceremony with the only display of emotion we see from him that isn’t feigned outrage when he gets called out on his sexist bullshit – he cries when he tells Tracey that he loves her. Nothing wrong with crying mate but, in the words of the White Stripes, you don’t know what love is. Tracey talks a lot about trust and betrayal and betrayal and trust, and forgiving Dean and bombshells and being blindsided, but has stayed with him every single week. At the final decision, she drops her own bombshell and SAYS SHE CAN’T SEE A FUTURE WITH HIM, and honestly, I wasn’t even this proud when my daughter started walking.

Patrick and Charlene

I THOUGHT CHARLENE WAS SAYING LEAVE AND SHE DIDN’T GUYS! YES! Never mind that I’ve already looked up whether they stay together…let’s not get into that. Charlene’s confrontational dinner party style is also me after five drinks, so I’m all about that. Patrick is almost a dream, but he needs to stop taking his laundry to his mother’s house before he’s full dream.

John and Melissa

*ALERT* JOHN IS LETTING HIS GUARD DOWN *ALERT*. Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time someone said John didn’t talk about his feelings…well…I’d wonder where that eleven dollars came from. Anyway. Melissa is in her 50s and wears out of control heels and extra AF hair extensions, and I am here for it. John was on the show last season, and disappointed his ‘wife’ by not being a Polynesian man or a gluten free cake. So. He lucked out with Melissa. They have found each other, and I am so glad. It means that when I am 52 and Married at First Sight NZ is onto its 30th season, I can apply in the hopes of finding someone too. Never mind that I will be twice the size of Melissa with half the charm. Let an old woman have her dreams.

Ashley and Troy

When your couple name is Trashley, you’re probably in trouble before you’ve begun. Who are all these people Ashley is talking to that are telling her Troy is such a great match for her? He’s always touching her tummy, and kisses by lunging at her and using his tongue like he uses his toothbrush. I don’t know a woman alive who would be into that. I think she has had Stockholm Syndrome this whole time, and someone needed to give her a safe word so she could GTFO. If she’d said yes to staying with him I would have had to personally stage an intervention. Troy ended their ceremony with his trademark fake laugh, which no doubt reassured Ashley that she made the right choice.

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Sarah and Telv

No YOU’VE got something in your eye. Yes guys. Yes. I can’t bring myself to look up whether or not these two are still together because I’m not ready for the torment if the answer is no.

Tomorrow night there is a reunion dinner party and HOLD ME BACK it will be the highlight of my calendar this week. (Sorry to my cousin whose 21st is this weekend – that’s a close second)

(Ok a distant second. But still second)

(Also, I know this show is trash OK? I have serious reservations about the judges’ experts’ intentions, I don’t think their matchmaking process is very rigorous – last season they matched two guys together who had nothing in common, for no apparent reason other than ‘uhhh they’re both gay?’ – and it is on four nights a week. Which, for anyone who has an actual life, is ridiculous. I do not, so here we are)

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