Could you go back in time and not be such a dick?

Recently I visited some family who I don’t see very often, usually only a few times a year. On the day we were leaving, I put my child in her carseat, which prompted a midlevel meltdown from her. I then said goodbye to my relatives over the roof of the car, and made a face indicating how excited I was to deal with World War 3 that was happening in the vehicle. It was then I distinctly heard one of them say “Well, you shouldn’t have had a kid then”.

Excuse me? Fucking excuse me? How helpful is it to tell someone that the way to deal with a problem they are having right now is to go back in time. It’s an open secret among parents (and even some people who don’t have kids know) that once a baby comes out, you can’t put it back. No matter how loud it screams, or how many times it tells you it wishes you weren’t its mum. So don’t tell me that I shouldn’t have had a kid just because I’m not frothing at the bit to deal with the screeching of a tiny lunatic with a diminished capacity for rational behaviour.

Retrospective advice never helped anyone. No one ever overcame food poisoning because someone said “Oh you shouldn’t have eaten at that place”. No one’s arm has ever un-broken because someone said “Oh you shouldn’t have ridden that horse”. AND NO KID HAS EVER SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE SOME DICKHEAD SUGGESTED THEY’D BE QUIETER IF THEY’D NEVER BEEN BORN.

Another stellar piece of wisdom I received recently is that “your kids pay you back for the kind of kid you were for your parents”. Huh? I heard this at a time when I felt really, really low. I wasn’t coping with being a mum, I wasn’t coping with being an adult person, I wasn’t coping with not coping, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. The most well meaning people could say about as much as ‘Oh that sucks’, but what I needed was someone to say ‘Give me your precious baby who you love but cannot deal with right now and I will take her for the night and she will be fine and you can sit at home and drink three bottles of wine or go to bed at six o’clock or both if you like and she will be fine and I will bring her back to you happy and relaxed and she will be fine and you will be fine and you can do it because you are doing it but I can help you too. Let me help you’. But no one said that to me. Instead someone I did tell (who was a professional) said what basically amounted to ‘you deserve what you are getting and how you are feeling right now’. To anyone who has never been at such a low ebb, that probably sounds like an overreaction to a lighthearted comment. But to me, at that time, it felt like confirmation that the way I felt was my fault. I know that it wasn’t meant that way, that it wasn’t meant to make me feel even more helpless, but I think, when someone is feeling out of control or on the edge, the last thing you should tell them (no matter how vaguely), is that they put themselves there.

I have yet to meet a parent (or person in general) who likes receiving unsolicited advice. I got it in the supermarket when I was lumbering around at 15 months pregnant, I get it now, and I have a feeling it will happen for as long as people suspect (quite rightly) that I don’t actually know what I’m doing (so, by my calculations, the rest of my life). And I can accept that. I can. But only if the advice is “Yes. You buy that second wheel of camembert. And don’t give any to the demon snorting away in your trolley. She’s being a dickhead, and maybe that’s your fault, maybe it’s not, I don’t know – I’m only here to advise on cheese”.



This isn’t Hyde Street. 

I don’t know how, or why, or exactly when, but at some point in the last few years, I’ve started to really give a shit about the way we treat the planet we live on. I’ve always cared – tried to reduce, reuse, recycle, but as I get older, it all seems a little more…pressing. Maybe one day humans will be colonising Mars, but I reckon it’s a pretty safe bet that in my lifetime, and yours too, Earth is it. And man, are we doing a good job of fucking it up. This planet isn’t like a shitty student flat – we can’t just treat it like a dump and find a new one next year. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but an eviction notice from Mother Earth means…um…we die. Shit is serious.

Something that nearly made me shit myself when I read it was the prediction that by 2050, there will be more plastic than fish in the ocean. WHAT?! If that thought doesn’t register with some alarm in your brain, then you are either heartless or a bit on the thick side. So here’s something you can do about that. New Zealand (and the world) can do more to cut down on plastic shopping bags. And that means you can do more. You can pick up reusable bags at ANY supermarket and use them FOREVER. You’ve probably got them lying around the bloody house already. That or some kind of tote bag/cooler bag/cloth bag/anything-but-plastic bag. Before anyone starts to have a hernia at the thought of having to buy reusable shopping bags – just stop. A $20 outlay for 10 bags you can use forever ain’t no thang. Especially not compared to the guilt of feeding plastic to sea turtles and dolphins. And before that hernia starts to re-emerge at the thought of having to remember to keep those reusable bags in your car, spare me the tears. If you can remember the names of all the Kardashians and their significant others, the 13 most effective ab workouts, or how to create the perfect contour in 22 easy steps, you can remember to take your reusable shopping bags to the fucking supermarket. The only thing worse than being a dick is being a lazy dick.

Another thing that’s super easy to remember is to take a drink bottle with you when you leave the house if you think you might need one. A proper, heavy duty, last-for-ages, BPA free number. It takes 3-7L of water and 1L of oil to make a 1L plastic water bottle. That. Is. Fuuuucked. That’s like a recipe asking you to put five cakes into a bowl, mix them with eggs and flour, bake them for 40 minutes at 220, and then you pulling one effing cake out of the oven. WHAT GOES INTO IT IS NOT WORTH WHAT YOU GET OUT OF IT. New Zealand’s tap water consistently ranks among the best in the world – so fucking drink it. ‘But I don’t like the taaaste’. Stop it. You whiny baby. Buy a water jug with a filter. Keep it in the fridge. Job done. The initial cost is nothing compared to what you’ll save by not buying a fucking water bottle at the service station every second day.

There’s more. There’s way more. Don’t litter – and maybe pick up a piece and chuck it in the bin once in a while. Turn shit off when you’re not using it. Don’t leave the tap on while you brush your teeth. Stop using plastic wrap. Get a reusable coffee cup instead of chucking away a disposable one every day. Wash your hands with cold water (For real. When it comes to handwashing, warm water isn’t doing anything cold water can’t). Take shorter showers. Try to eat a couple of meat-free dinners a week. Stop collecting bloody junk mail. Eat seasonally and locally when you can. Throw out that rank facewash with the microbeads. Recycle. Give a shit about where your dollar goes, because where your dollar goes shows what you give a shit about.

‘But I can’t do all thiiiis’. No. Stop it. Whiny baby again. Maybe you can’t do everything. But you can do something. And something is better than nothing. Make a conscious effort to improve the footprint you leave on this planet because (to paraphrase), we don’t inherit this earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. And I don’t want to explain to the kids of 2050 that the reason there are no sea turtles or dolphins anymore is because I needed a plastic bag to carry a bottle of fucking Evian.

The Weight.

Usually, when people ask ‘how are you?’, the answer comes pretty naturally – ‘oh I’m fine, thanks, how are you?’. Because whether you’re happy, sad, tired, hungry, worried or stressed, ‘fine’ implies that you’re coping. You might be vaguely homicidal, but you’re handling it. And usually, when I say I’m fine, it’s because I am. But sometimes, when I hear ‘how are you?’, my mind goes blank because sometimes, I am not fine.

I would like to preface the rest of this with three points:

1. I do my very best not to complain about single motherhood (to most people anyway. Some probably wish I’d shut the fuck up). I try not to mention that I am tired all the time. That I cannot pee in peace, or finish a meal without interruption, that there are tantrums in my household almost daily. And not always from the two year old. I try not to mention the times that I have been told no one will date a single mother, and the times that, against my better judgement, I have believed that (my better judgement is pretty solid though, and always comes raging back soon enough to remind me that I don’t actually give a fuck – even if it is true). I try not to mention how lonely and isolated I sometimes feel. I try not to mention the desperate, all-encompassing, constant anxiety I feel about raising a daughter in this world. By myself. And I try really hard not to mention that sometimes, I feel like I am doing a shitty job.

2. I know that I am lucky. I know that some people would kill to have children, and for whatever reason, it hasn’t happened for them. I know that I am lucky my daughter is here, and that she is healthy. I am lucky that we have a place to live, food to eat, people who love us, and time to spend together. I know it could be worse. I know I don’t have a monopoly on the parenthood struggle, but that perspective is not always easy to keep.

3. I love my child. With everything that I have, and everything that I am. I love her so much that the thought of not being able to keep her safe and protected forever makes me feel physically sick.

All that being said, I don’t know many single mothers. I know even fewer who have small children. And I know even fewer than that (if any) who don’t ever have the respite of another parent taking their child for a week, or a weekend, or even a day. So I don’t know who to say this stuff to. That is not to say my child and I don’t have time apart, we do. I go to work, and she is not there. Sometimes I will have a night out, or a weekend away, and she is not there. But even when she is not there, I feel the weight of responsibility – is she behaving? Will she sleep OK? Is she actually just a nuisance? – I feel this deeply and acutely, no matter where I am, no matter who I’m with (or who she’s with, for that matter), and no matter how many vodka sodas I’ve had. I am it for my daughter. And sometimes that is too fucking much.

People say to me, quite often, that they don’t know how I do it. The short answer is ‘because I have to’. The longer, more complicated answer is ‘I don’t know either. Because sometimes, I don’t think I am doing it. I feel like I am failing. Failing myself as a woman, and failing my daughter as a mother. Sometimes I wonder how I will make it through the day without imploding with unexpressed anxiety, self-doubt, rage and fear. Sometimes I feel like a fraud because, like I mentioned above, what do I really have to be down about?’. I know people mean well, and I wholeheartedly appreciate the sentiment, but sometimes I really don’t know how I do it either.

Sometimes though, I am surprised by some external reminder of how it is only inside my head that I feel these things; that maybe, despite feeling exhausted and overlooked and useless and anxious, that is not what comes through. A friend whose opinion I respect a lot told me recently that he likes the way I’m raising my kid. That I’m killing it (the raising part, not the actual child). Being a parent isn’t often about external validation, but sometimes it is nice to hear. And sometimes, when it might feel like you’re drowning under the weight of it all, it’s a very welcome lifeline.

Anyway. Enough about me. How are you?

I am way ahead of you…

At the end of a very brief romance approximately a year ago, I was told ‘yeah, I didn’t really wanna deal with a kid’. On a date once, I was told ‘at least you have a pretty face’ – the very obvious implication being that that was all I have. I was reintroduced to a friend of a friend recently, who told me he remembered my ‘big bum’. While speaking to a friend at a bar once, his friend sent him a text asking why he was ‘talking to such a fat cow’. I had someone tell me recently that he laughed at my writing ‘mostly for how bad it was’. I’ve been told several times that ‘guys only talk to you because you have big boobs’.

I honestly do not know what the point of being such an asshole is. Because, the thing is, there is nothing on that list that I haven’t already thought about myself. Sometimes I don’t want to leave the house because I worry I look like a fat cow with a big bum. I wonder all the time whether my daughter and I will be a team of two forever (though we all know three’s a crowd, so I reckon that’d be alright). I have had boobs since I was 12 years old (pretty old for a cow), and I’ve always had a fear that they’re the only reason people are talking to me. Every time I write something I am filled with crippling self doubt, because I know so many wonderfully talented people, and I wonder ‘why would anything I say be worth their time?’. The joke is on the guy who told me I had a pretty face though, because most days I don’t even have that.

For most of us, it is a hard enough battle to be kind to ourselves without having to fend off insults from others. I have never given anyone permission to speak to me like that, so why have I given it to myself?

Unless someone is the kind of raging douchebag who talks about ‘grabbing women by the pussy’, there is absolutely no point in slinging shit at them, because most people are their own worst enemies and their own biggest critics. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t tell someone they look tired, because whether they are or not, you telling them that will make them tired. Of your bullshit. Don’t be the person who makes someone’s day worse, when maybe it’s taken them all the courage they have to get out of bed. Being a dick doesn’t serve anyone. I’ve never felt good after saying something nasty about someone, and I’ve definitely never felt good after saying something nasty about myself. So let’s stop fucking doing it. OK?

And just by the way, (forgive me for breaking our newly made promise so soon), someone who does talk about ‘grabbing women by the pussy’ shouldn’t be in charge of a knife and fork, let alone an entire fucking country.

To the ones who broke our hearts,

There are some things we would like to know, some of them big things, like ‘why wasn’t I enough?’ and ‘of all the lies you told me, why couldn’t you have left “I love you” out of it?’ and some small things, like ‘how long before I can delete you on Facebook?’ and ‘what the fuck is the Netflix password?!’

But we would also like you to know some big things, like ‘people told me not to trust you’ and ‘I wish you happiness (eventually – if, in the meantime, you have an embarrassing sexual experience, or your winning lotto ticket goes through the wash, I would be OK with that)’, and some small things, like ‘you’re lucky I didn’t punch you in the face when you snored’ and ‘I really enjoyed looking through Becky’s ‘Bali 2011′ photos too, and especially liked all the heart eyes emojis you left’. We will miss some things, like the Sunday ice creams and the spontaneous road trips, but not others, like the road rage, or the fact that you still think American Pie is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen. Even after we watched Shaun of the Dead together.

Mostly though, to the ones who broke our hearts, we would like to say this: we will be OK. We’ll be better. We’ll be enough. Not thanks to you, but in spite of you. And we don’t even need the fucking Netflix password because it’s on auto login anyway. 

Best to wear baggy pants. Just in case.

In the Handbook of Life (if it existed) (if it does and no one’s told me this whole time then I cannot be blamed for not having my shit together) (I can), I imagine there is a chapter dedicated to “Moments When You Will Feel Like All The Air Has Been Sucked Out Of You And You Don’t Know When You’ll Be Able To Breathe Again” (a cumbersome title, but hey, I didn’t write the book). In that chapter are no doubt a mixture of happy moments, like seeing your child for the first time (unless, like me, you were flying high on post-surgery drugs), or having the person you love propose to you (obviously hypothetical, but I’ve heard good things), and very awful moments, like goodbyes that might mean forever.

Not to make light of any of those very serious scenarios, but there is one moment that will blindside you every single time it hits you, and it is best illustrated with a quote from the cinematic masterpiece of our time: Mean Girls. Sometimes, you will feel as though your “stomach is going to fall out [your] butt”. I’m talking about the moment you have, for the first time since a breakup, any indication that your ex has moved on. Whether it comes in the form of a passing comment from a mutual friend, a loved up Instagram post, or (fucking hell) an actual real life encounter, and regardless of whether or not you harbour any residual feelings, there is a brief moment where you don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up. Now, don’t get me wrong, this has only happened to me a couple of times in my life; I don’t have palpitations if I see someone I went on a few dates with out with someone else, I’m not a maniac. However, on the rare occasion it does happen, I don’t see it coming, and I have to check that my stomach is still where it should be.

I don’t know where this reaction comes from, and why it’s reserved for certain people and not others. Maybe it’s innate anxiety about being confronted with someone who is all the things I couldn’t be. Maybe it’s just a pathological hatred of small talk, made worse by intrusive thoughts like ‘I’ve seen you naked’, and ‘You like your own Facebook statuses’. Whatever it is, it’s fleeting, and it serves its purpose because sometimes, you know, you need a really good reason to quote Mean Girls.

It’s been done before. Sue me.

A letter to my child. When she is old enough to read. And swear.

Hey babe. I’m your mum. I’m not sure who let that happen, and I’m not sure about your feelings on the matter, but I’m pretty happy about it. I will apologise for that haircut you had when you were nine though – who knew a ten dollar ‘do would be such a bad idea?

Now, I don’t know what the world will look like when you are as old as I am now. Actually, there is a lot I don’t know. Like why people put dogs in their handbags. Or how America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on air. However, there are some things that I do know, and in case I haven’t told you them by now (and since my memory is already shockingly selective) I’m writing them down for you. On the Internet. Obviously.

Firstly: Someone will break your heart. It doesn’t make them evil, and it doesn’t make you stupid, but you’re allowed to think both of those things. For a little while. If the same person breaks your heart again though, well shit girl, you might be a little bit stupid…

You might also break someone else’s heart. That also feels shitty. Forgive yourself. Eventually.

Please be kind. Sometimes it’s really easy to be an asshole. I know, because I’ve been one. A huge, gaping one. Sometimes being kind is hard, but so is learning to walk, and I’m sure you’ve got the hang of that by now.

If you don’t know the difference between your and you’re by now, there is a chance you may not actually be my kid. And if I ever see you write defiantly where you mean definitely, well, I’m sure it won’t be too late to adopt you out.

There are two things I hope I’ve taught you to say. The first is I’m sorry. Sometimes it won’t be enough, sometimes it will. Sometimes you won’t realise how much you needed to say it, or how much the other person needed to hear it. Say it and mean it, even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard. The second thing I hope you know how to say is I love you. Some people will try to tell you it’s overused. Fuck. That. If you feel it, say it. Be vulnerable, and don’t ever let anyone tell you that’s weak.

Sometimes the only thing to do is to dance around your house in your underwear. It’s cheaper than therapy, and if you forget to close the curtains it makes the neighbours laugh. Or have you committed, I don’t know what your neighbourhood is like.

The last thing I want you to know is this: Sometimes the world is a really ugly place. Usually it’s hard to understand why. Often it will make you feel sad, or angry, or defeated, or afraid. Please don’t let it make you bitter. Let it make you compassionate and brave, and let it remind you that we are all connected. Don’t take the ugliness into your own heart, or you will miss the things that are beautiful.

You’re alright kiddo. As far as sidekicks go, I’m glad I’ve got you. I love you.